 |
 |
|
This article was written and submitted
to this website at our request. Any questions or comments should be sent to me,
where they will be forwarded to the author. We appreciate the courage of the
writer, who directs all glory—even in tribulation—to the Lord.
May 29, 2001, was more than just another
Memorial Day for me.
That was the day I was given the devastating
news at the local Board of Health that I was HIV positive with AIDS.
Due to my low CD4 count, the medical officer
said I have been HIV positive for about eight or nine years.
With 58 years behind me, I now face a life of
taking expensive medicines daily.
My biggest concern is the reaction I will get
when other family members and friends find out about the AIDS, especially
people in my church.
I thank God that my wife, who knows of my
condition, did not contract the AIDS virus.
This is the first time I have revealed my
story.
Do I believe the prevailing thought today that
we are born homosexual, and it has chosen us, not that we chose it.
My answer to that is a definite, "we
choose it".
I believe that we are all born with tendencies
toward one sex or another.
It is when we choose to explore areas that are
Biblically wrong that we can be drawn into a gay lifestyle, which will haunt us
forever.
Hi, my name is Tim (not really). I don't wish
to reveal my real name at the present, due to the subject matter of this
article.
Why am I writing about my life?
I am hoping it will help someone else who may
have questions, or be going through something similar in their life.
Let me start at the beginning. I was a pretty
good boy when I was growing up. I was small for my age, and when I was old
enough I usually had a girl friend, or at least someone I liked.
I never had a relationship with my dad.
I never heard him say anything about love or
hold me and show any affection.
One thing that especially stands out to me is
that when I had to use the bathroom; my dad always would wait at the top of the
stairs and never go in while I used it.
To this day, I have trouble going if someone
is standing near. It is a small matter, but we never know how we influence our
kids psychologically by the things we do.
I never once saw my dad nude or even in his
underwear.
So, can I blame my dad for the way I turned
out?
Absolutely not! His dad died when he was just
a kid, so he did as he thought best.
I still made my own choices.
Still, it would have been much easier if I had
known his love and had his direction. I have known others who had good dads and
still chose this path.
By that I mean a gay lifestyle.
I have always had a memory in my mind of
sitting on my grandfather's lap with him having an erection. I don't know why I
remember that, but I can see the room and house where it happened.
But later on some of the guys I ran around
with—usually about three years younger because, as I said before, I was
small for my age—would go into the woods to our shack and play with each
other.
To them, I think it was just a passing phase,
or like an experiment. But to me it was an exciting time and something I really
looked forward to.
I can think of three times I was molested by
other guys, but I didn't object to it.
But the good news...
I was saved in high school and went off to a
Bible College.
After four years, I met my wife, we were
married, and had four kids.
We had three girls and a boy. I tried
especially to give my son the love and attention I never got while growing up,
but I don't think I did a good job.
But the Lord blessed in spite of me, and my
son and daughters have good Christian mates and homes.
Now the bad news...
After my kids were mostly grown, I worked part
time at a service station.
While driving home one evening I stopped at a
light downtown and let a guy get into my car. He told me what he wanted, and I
let him.
I was so shocked at what he did I drove a
different way home for about two months. Then I got curious, and it happened
again.
That was just the beginning. From then on it
was a "learned behavior".
What do I mean by that?
I gradually did more and more things that I
once was abhorred by. I would never do oral sex, I thought, but after much
thinking about it, I finally did.
I was in my late thirties by now, but with my
blond hair and small body, which I kept in good shape, it made me appear like I
was in my twenties. That attracted many, gay guys.
I began to associate with guys that were gay,
because they always gave me a lot of attention, which was new to me.
And I liked the things they said to me. I
began to get interested in the things they talked about. I had never before got
aroused at a guy's body until I would hear the things they said about it.
And I learned to do more and more things that
surprised even me. I might add that I met a couple of older guys, and really
enjoyed the things they would do to me.
My oldest partner died of a stroke, and I was
really upset.
Another, died of cancer when I didn't even
know he was sick.
I guess I liked them so much because they
showed me the love I never got at home, even though it was the wrong kind of
love.
Did it get worse? Yes, it did.
I began having lovers most of whom were 20
years younger. I began spending many nights with them which certainly hurt my
marriage.
Since I was running the service station by
now, I would use the excuse that I had to work.
After quite a few affairs with young guys, my
attention was directed to older guys, though they were younger than me.
I knew it was wrong, and tried to quit several
times. But the gay life had such a hold on me.
To make a long story short, I was at work last
May, 2001, when a partner called me and he said I should get tested. He said
that he was tested and was positive to HIV.
I was scared to death. I was tested and found
out after Memorial Day I too was positive.
What a Memorial Day! Depression flooded my
whole body. Never had a feeling like that before.
I felt like my whole world was coming down
upon me.
Like others with HIV, I began to think of
ending my life. I thought how easy it would be to sit in the garage and leave
my car running.
How could I ever tell my wife? And my
beautiful kids and the people in my church where I have been quite active. I
thought if I died now, they wouldn't have to know.
But I knew that was not right, to leave my
wife alone and not right in the eyes of the Lord.
In my desperation, I reached out to Exodus
International, a world-wide organization that helps gays go straight.
The man I talked to was so helpful. We spent
several hours online talking and praying.
With the Lord's help, I was finally able to
break the hold homosexuality had on me, and He brought me closer to Him.
Am I cured? No more sinful desires?
I wish I could say yes. But I know my limits.
And I know I will not be tempted more than I can bear.
But He has given me a joy in my life I haven't
had for a very long time.
Now begins the process of
"unlearning". By that I mean getting my thoughts and desires back on
the straight and narrow.
Some say it isn't possible, and I know the old
self and Satan will do all they can to pull me down.
But as I trust Him and live for Him, I know I
can live above my old desires.
He has done so much for me already, and I
praise His Name for it.
His Word in James 1:2-4 tells me to count it
all joy when temptations come, because the trying of my faith works patience.
I love Him so much for getting my attention
and drawing me to Him, whatever the cost.
I hope you will let Him do the same for you.
Praise His Name.
In this brief account, I have skipped a lot of
things. If you have any questions I would be glad to be of help.
You may send your questions through to who
runs this site.
 |
 |