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Confessions of a Homosexual Christian
This article was written and submitted to this website at our request. Any questions or comments should be sent to me, where they will be forwarded to the author. We appreciate the courage of the writer, who directs all glory—even in tribulation—to the Lord.
May 29, 2001, was more than just another Memorial Day for me.
That was the day I was given the devastating news at the local Board of Health that I was HIV positive with AIDS.
Due to my low CD4 count, the medical officer said I have been HIV positive for about eight or nine years.
With 58 years behind me, I now face a life of taking expensive medicines daily.
My biggest concern is the reaction I will get when other family members and friends find out about the AIDS, especially people in my church.
I thank God that my wife, who knows of my condition, did not contract the AIDS virus.
This is the first time I have revealed my story.
Do I believe the prevailing thought today that we are born homosexual, and it has chosen us, not that we chose it.
My answer to that is a definite, "we choose it".
I believe that we are all born with tendencies toward one sex or another.
It is when we choose to explore areas that are Biblically wrong that we can be drawn into a gay lifestyle, which will haunt us forever.
Hi, my name is Tim (not really). I don't wish to reveal my real name at the present, due to the subject matter of this article.
Why am I writing about my life?
I am hoping it will help someone else who may have questions, or be going through something similar in their life.
Let me start at the beginning. I was a pretty good boy when I was growing up. I was small for my age, and when I was old enough I usually had a girl friend, or at least someone I liked.
I never had a relationship with my dad.
I never heard him say anything about love or hold me and show any affection.
One thing that especially stands out to me is that when I had to use the bathroom; my dad always would wait at the top of the stairs and never go in while I used it.
To this day, I have trouble going if someone is standing near. It is a small matter, but we never know how we influence our kids psychologically by the things we do.
I never once saw my dad nude or even in his underwear.
So, can I blame my dad for the way I turned out?
Absolutely not! His dad died when he was just a kid, so he did as he thought best.
I still made my own choices.
Still, it would have been much easier if I had known his love and had his direction. I have known others who had good dads and still chose this path.
By that I mean a gay lifestyle.
I have always had a memory in my mind of sitting on my grandfather's lap with him having an erection. I don't know why I remember that, but I can see the room and house where it happened.
But later on some of the guys I ran around with—usually about three years younger because, as I said before, I was small for my age—would go into the woods to our shack and play with each other.
To them, I think it was just a passing phase, or like an experiment. But to me it was an exciting time and something I really looked forward to.
I can think of three times I was molested by other guys, but I didn't object to it.
But the good news...
I was saved in high school and went off to a Bible College.
After four years, I met my wife, we were married, and had four kids.
We had three girls and a boy. I tried especially to give my son the love and attention I never got while growing up, but I don't think I did a good job.
But the Lord blessed in spite of me, and my son and daughters have good Christian mates and homes.
Now the bad news...
After my kids were mostly grown, I worked part time at a service station.
While driving home one evening I stopped at a light downtown and let a guy get into my car. He told me what he wanted, and I let him.
I was so shocked at what he did I drove a different way home for about two months. Then I got curious, and it happened again.
That was just the beginning. From then on it was a "learned behavior".
What do I mean by that?
I gradually did more and more things that I once was abhorred by. I would never do oral sex, I thought, but after much thinking about it, I finally did.
I was in my late thirties by now, but with my blond hair and small body, which I kept in good shape, it made me appear like I was in my twenties. That attracted many, gay guys.
I began to associate with guys that were gay, because they always gave me a lot of attention, which was new to me.
And I liked the things they said to me. I began to get interested in the things they talked about. I had never before got aroused at a guy's body until I would hear the things they said about it.
And I learned to do more and more things that surprised even me. I might add that I met a couple of older guys, and really enjoyed the things they would do to me.
My oldest partner died of a stroke, and I was really upset.
Another, died of cancer when I didn't even know he was sick.
I guess I liked them so much because they showed me the love I never got at home, even though it was the wrong kind of love.
Did it get worse? Yes, it did.
I began having lovers most of whom were 20 years younger. I began spending many nights with them which certainly hurt my marriage.
Since I was running the service station by now, I would use the excuse that I had to work.
After quite a few affairs with young guys, my attention was directed to older guys, though they were younger than me.
I knew it was wrong, and tried to quit several times. But the gay life had such a hold on me.
To make a long story short, I was at work last May, 2001, when a partner called me and he said I should get tested. He said that he was tested and was positive to HIV.
I was scared to death. I was tested and found out after Memorial Day I too was positive.
What a Memorial Day! Depression flooded my whole body. Never had a feeling like that before.
I felt like my whole world was coming down upon me.
Like others with HIV, I began to think of ending my life. I thought how easy it would be to sit in the garage and leave my car running.
How could I ever tell my wife? And my beautiful kids and the people in my church where I have been quite active. I thought if I died now, they wouldn't have to know.
But I knew that was not right, to leave my wife alone and not right in the eyes of the Lord.
In my desperation, I reached out to Exodus International, a world-wide organization that helps gays go straight.
The man I talked to was so helpful. We spent several hours online talking and praying.
With the Lord's help, I was finally able to break the hold homosexuality had on me, and He brought me closer to Him.
Am I cured? No more sinful desires?
I wish I could say yes. But I know my limits. And I know I will not be tempted more than I can bear.
But He has given me a joy in my life I haven't had for a very long time.
Now begins the process of "unlearning". By that I mean getting my thoughts and desires back on the straight and narrow.
Some say it isn't possible, and I know the old self and Satan will do all they can to pull me down.
But as I trust Him and live for Him, I know I can live above my old desires.
He has done so much for me already, and I praise His Name for it.
His Word in James 1:2-4 tells me to count it all joy when temptations come, because the trying of my faith works patience.
I love Him so much for getting my attention and drawing me to Him, whatever the cost.
I hope you will let Him do the same for you. Praise His Name.
In this brief account, I have skipped a lot of things. If you have any questions I would be glad to be of help.
You may send your questions through to who runs this site.